


L'orrendo scempio

by widevibratobitch



Category: Don Giovanni - Mozart/Da Ponte
Genre: Elvira finally sets free and becomes a wild lesbian, Gen, Giovanni is a drama queen, Leporello has no more fucks to give, Modern AU, This is gen because there's no actually gay activities in this one, but if you do not consider Giovanni and Leporello the disaster couple they are..., i mean the whole fic is terrible so whatever, there are some terrible swear words in this fic, think again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 13:19:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15413793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/widevibratobitch/pseuds/widevibratobitch
Summary: "Vo' farne orrendo scempio, gli vo' cavare il cor..." - though no hearts are being ripped out, Elvira does justice to her hideous massacre vow... More or less.





	L'orrendo scempio

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ernestdummkompf (JehanFerres)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JehanFerres/gifts).



> This is for Ollie, a little terrible gift for his 21st b-day, woohoo!   
> This fic makes absolutely no sense, it is a vain, spondaic fruit of our ridiculous conversations about those two idiots.  
> Have the most wonderful birthday, Ollie! Here goes nothing:

"This woman is crazy!" Giovanni growled into the pillow.

"She did warn you," Leporello put the bowl of milk on the coffee table. As much as he felt bad for the wretched man sprawled dramatically on the couch, there was something strangely satisfying about Giovanni writhing in totally-not-exaggerated agony.

"She sprayed pepper spray in my eyes!"

"Yes, after warning you she would do just that, if you didn't shut up," Leporello sunk down on the coach beside Giovanni. Elvira had done _just that_ indeed. After the truly miserable chapter of her life, spent on crying her eyes out over a certain _unfaithful bastard_ , came the era of recently discovered bisexuality, lesbian clubs, tons of self-development books and... apparently pepper spray.

Giovanni muttered something into the pillow and though Leporello couldn't quite make out the words, the growl-like sound spoke for itself. Another pained moan, and Giovanni pushed himself up to a sitting position. He tried to open his eyes, but visibly regretted the attempt seconds later.

"Fuck, it hurts so bad," Giovanni groaned and his hand went up to rub the swollen, red eyelids. Leporello caught it mid-air.

"Good, you deserved it. Now don't touch it," he ignored the furious, red glare Giovanni gave him, and pointed at the bowl of milk. "I'm not an expert on healing pepper spray burns, but the internet says milk is the best option there is."

Giovanni examined the bowl skeptically, gave Leporello his (in honesty quite intimidating) _you better be kidding_ look, but the desperate need to ease the apparently _excruciating pain_ won in the end. "It better works," he said after a moment, a threatening edge to his voice, and bent down immersing his whole face into the milk.

"Fingers crossed," muttered Leporello. Giovanni throwing a tantrum was certainly the last thing he needed right now. Seconds later Giovanni's head emerged from the bowl in one quick movement, his hair flinging back, splashing milk on everything around him, including, alas, Leporello _and_ the couch.

"Good news, my dear Leporello, it worked," Giovanni said enthusiastically, smug look on his milk dripping face, eyes still closed.

"Oh, I'm overjoyed," Leporello said flatly, wiping milk from his face with the back of his hand. Suddenly Giovanni hissed in pain and dived into the bowl again, just to sit back up seconds later, in the same manner as before. Leporello closed his eyes before droplets of white liquid (milk, it's _milk_ ) splashed on his face. "Can you not--"

"Goddammit, it didn't, it didn't fucking work," Giovanni growled, rubbing his eyes furiously. "This woman is a lunatic, she needs to be locked away in some asylum; she's a threat to everything and everyone around her!"

"She's a threat to ignorant dickheads, that's for sure."

"Oh shut up. She has some serious mental issues." Giovanni grimaced and dived back into the bowl.

"Interesting observation, coming from you..." muttered Leporello. Giovanni straightened up abruptly, milk splashing around (third time's a charm) and dripping down his face, when he turned to Leporello and asked through clenched teeth, "What the hell was that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Leporello said quickly and stood up from the couch before Giovanni could express his dissatisfaction in a more... physical and probably painful way.

"You're on thin fucking ice, Leporello," said Giovanni after just scowling at him for a moment, and bent back down to the bowl.

"You know, I think I might actually get some pepper spray for myself, Elvira offered to--," he barely dodged the pillow, flung in his general direction, followed by a tv remote, probably thrown with enough force to rip his head off. _Yeah_ , he thought, _I'm definitely getting pepper spray._

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing to say.


End file.
